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In Silence I Grieve

February 11, 2010

I saw her. She was wearing the green sweater  and a brown skirt with ankle boots. Nothing had changed. I’m still alive when I’m near her.

I tried my best to ignore her because that’s what I thought she wanted. When I left she wished me well. As she waved goodbye, I awakened and the dream became real. I embraced the paradox. I found distraction with friends, but know I must return to her. I ran from the top of the building all the way down, swinging from banisters, jumping off the walls and ran faster telling myself that I wanted greater clarity. The colors grew brighter. Her scent lingered and guided me to her. She’s surrounded by children. I know them, but now they’re all grown up.

I know why I’m here. I must confess. It makes a difference no matter what state of consciousness we’re in.

“What are you thinking about?”

I’m speechless. I reached out and pushed her hair behind her ear. She looked away and said,”Why do you have to do this here?”

I’m choking on overdue tears.

“I have anxiety about this,” she continued. “Anytime you’re around I’m afraid you’re going to do something. How did we get here? You know you shouldn’t feel this way about me.”

Still choking I muttered, “It must be frustrating for you. And extremely uncomfortable. I’m sorry.”

I told myself to get up and disappear. But I’m paralyzed. I must still confess.

“Please don’t go,” she says. “It would break my heart if you did. Your friendship is the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Confess, you pathetic fool.

But the rain cloud has been hovering above me.  The tears form and fall. We’re alone now. The children are gone. It’s only a matter of time before I implode.

She’s running her fingers through my hair and telling me everything is going to be okay. She wants me to stop crying. But I haven’t begun. Her hand touches my face, but the compression within is violent. My chest hurts, the way it always does when she’s comforting me.

I let it unravel. It comes in shockingly pure waves, despair and hope intertwined around my heart. I want it to burst. It should have happened long ago.

My hysteria is silent. I look at her and mouth the words she already knows.

“I am the lowly friend that adores you. But I know nothing could ever happen between us…”

I woke up instantly. I didn’t move because body positioning is key in returning to the dream. But I was wide awake and felt shut out of my other world. It’s 5am.

And then I remember that in dreams I grieve for her love. For eternity and a day…

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